Real talk. Today is not one of my better days. A fight with my husband which caused him to raise his voice and scare Jacob, the usual f’ng heavy traffic, AND I almost scalded Jacob with the water I poured on him while giving him a bath. That last one really did it. 🙁 I just feel like the brain and the body are not working today, because of lack of sleep, anxiety, negative feelings and a general feeling of blah. And this after we paid a visit to the relics of Padre Pio yesterday. I’m really disappointed.
I think I’ve been feeling generally blah since my birthday, I’ve never really fully recovered from it. I wish for a getaway, but finances are tighter than my pre-mom jeans right now. I’m not complaining, just hoping that better days will get here faster. Or, I think I also need a brain transplant or a personality overhaul. Some days it’s just hard being the way I am, thinking the way I think and feeling the way I feel. Maybe it’s just hormones, maybe it’s just fatigue. But if I continue feeling this way I’m afraid I might absentmindedly put Jacob in harm’s way, and that is the worst thing that could happen.
I read a piece this morning on Medium which said that the main goal of life here on earth is not to be happy, but to be useful. Genuine happiness is a byproduct of feeling useful. Maybe that’s why happiness is a bit elusive these days. Because I don’t feel useful. But I’m so useful here at home, because I manage it. So why do I have bad feelings? It’s probably because I don’t feel appreciated, maybe that’s why. Oh well. I will teach Jacob to be appreciative and communicative, because those are very important traits to have in any relationship. Maybe the happiness will come later in life when I see the impact of how I’ve raised Jacob and how he is with his family. 🙂
Anyway, rambling. Will try to finish books.